Category Archives: Miscellaneous

Anything from thoughts on leadership to endurance races

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10 Leadership Responses

It’s been a long week. For some reason this week almost everyone I know has been posting pithy quotes on their Facebook status. In response to this rash of pith, i offer my hastily compiled top ten responses to leadership quotes:

1.”You manage things; you lead people”                         

Rear Admiral Grace Murray Hopper

From the rear apparently…

2.”Success for leadership is . . . knowing the great art of directing others without their noticing it.”

Anonymous                                                                                                                        

Perfect…

3. “Consensus is the negation of leadership.”

Margaret Thatcher                                                                            

All in favor say ‘aye’?

4. “A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way.”

John C. Maxwell

Or was that a cab driver?

5. “Leadership is diving for a loose ball, getting the crowd involved, getting other players involved. It’s being able to take it as well as dish it out. That’s the only way you’re going to get respect from the players.”

Larry Bird

Unless you’re a ball girl at Wimbleton …

6. “Good leadership consists of showing average people how to do the work of superior people.”

John D. Rockefeller

And paying them minimum wage…

7. “There are many elements to a campaign. Leadership is number one. Everything else is number two. “

Bertolt Brecht

I’d agree, most things in a campaign ARE number two

8. “Do not follow where the path may lead.
Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.”

Harold R. McAlindon

Unless you’re in a national park…

9. “Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.”

Dwight D. Eisenhower

A la Tom Sawyer? 

10. “Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.”

Eleanor Roosevelt

But truly brilliant minds conjure the ideas the drive the events that astound the people

Got some to add? Please share with the class.

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Men and Women: part 3

I love Photoshop. I have spent hours on the sidelines of my sons’ games watching through a camera. Caleyn’s dance recitals and rehearsals all get captured as well. The real fun comes when I capture something worth playing with in Photoshop.

A couple years back Nathan was playing in a soccer tournament against a local rival team. One kid in particular, a kid he played against in club and in high school season, was being…something particularly annoying that sounds a lot like a feminine hygiene product. Nate had really kept his cool until the game was winding towards a close. A ball came their direction in the air and in the scramble to get a head on the ball Nate seized his opportunity to commit a, as it is often referred to in soccer, “professional foul”.

The beauty was he delivered pure Photoshop gold  at a range of only about ten yards away from dad and his camera! (No one was injured in the making of this picture.)

We call this picture Ginger Splash.

The other night I sat down to do what should have been some quick Photoshop dabbling. I found the shot I wanted on my computer and clicked the usual “open with” Photoshop. Nothing happened. I copied the picture and tried to “open new” in Photoshop. Nothing. I tried closing and re-opening Photoshop. “Error: disc full”

What followed was 45 minutes of troubleshooting, memory configuring, computer re-starting, re-installation considering madness!! By the time I finally got it working correctly I was so mentally ruffled that I no longer had the motivation to dabble. The mojo was gone. The system, so nicely designed to serve my needs and so normally adept at doing so, had failed me.

So what does this all have to do with our recent discussion on Men and Women? Plenty.

My contention is that men are designed as illustrations of God’s justice and therefore are designed to be dangerous.  Women, as illustrations of God’s grace are designed to be beautiful. What I want to draw your attention to here is not that what…the dangerous and the beautiful, but the why…it is by design. It is how we were meant to be. What we were made to function like. an inherent part of our total purpose. This is NOT a “you ought to be” , rather this is a clear “you were made to be.”

That is critical. Examine any system that “functions as designed” and several truths emerge instantly.

When a system if functioning as designed it Executes Smoothly

Our microwave is on the fritz. After some fidgeting I got it to work this evening. Normally though I walk up, but in the food, push minimal buttons, let cool and eat. I don’t even think about it. It serves the function it is intended to serve and makes life a little easier.

How much of your life is executed smoothly? Most of us are constantly wondering “why we’re here” or “what is the right thing to do”. But if we were functioning as designed in the areas of danger and beauty then might we not find that the circumstances that lead to us asking those questions might start to fall into alignment?

When a system if functioning as designed it Conserves Energy

How many times have you approached a computer, a dvd player, or a microwave intending to accomplish some simple task only to find the system not working? Frustration rises, the minimal energy that might have gone into accomplishing a task, watching a movie, or cooking up some popcorn now balloons into significant expenditure of energy trying to figure out what is wrong.

The same is true for us. When we function as designed we conserve energy. We use less energy on the system stuff and have it available for bigger ticket use.

When a system if functioning as designed it Fosters Creativity

Photoshop mojo, gone in the face of system frustration. When we’re in the groove, functioning as designed we actually become more creative. “Created in god’s image” then takes on the additional attribute of us becoming miniature creators! According to legend C.S. Lewis, a theologically dangerous dude, and J.R.R. Tolkien postulated a heaven where God allowed the worlds they’d created in their fictional works to actually come to life! Talk about the pinnacle of creative coolness!

When the systems executes smoothly and thus conserves energy we get to move outside the box rapidly. We get to expand the possibilities. We get to move beyond mundane circumstance and move toward new envisioned realities that may never have occurred to us as when we were struggling to make this thing called life work right.

In what practical ways to you need to get your system working? How can you move in the direction of being more dangerous or more beautiful right now, today?

 

 

 

 

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Men and Women: part 2 – the women

If you recall last week  in Men and Women: part 1 I made the claim that men were designed by God to be illustrations of His justice and were therefore designed to be dangerous by nature.

By contrast I asserted that women were designed as illustrations of God’s grace and are therefore designed to be beautiful by nature.

Because there is also an enemy playing a role in the story, and enemy who can only twist truth and not create it, we explored the idea that men were often duped into being dangerous in the “wrong way” and wound up being dangerous to themselves, their loved ones, or not at all.

But this same enemy also dupes women into focusing on being beautiful in the “wrong way”. The beauty that God designs into ALL women is NOT physical appearance. it is something much more. Granted, the world runs on the notion that beauty, and beyond that sex, sells but that should come as no surprise. Scripture refers to the enemy as the prince of this world.

Imagine for a moment that this notion is correct, that men are supposed to be dangerous, in a spiritual sense, by design and women beautiful, spiritually, by design. Now think of the way truly, amazingly, stunningly physically beautiful women are often described. We refer to them as “dangerously beautiful”. I’m saying this is no coincidence.

The notion of a dangerous beauty is a standard theme found in literature across cultures! It could easily be argued that this overt focus on physical beauty alone results in something much more akin the the spiritually masculine than it does to the intended feminine!

But it gets even worse.

The women’s lib movement of the 70’s resulted in women rejecting stereotypical beauty for a much more masculine approach to life in an attempt to even the playing field in the corporate world. So in either case we wind up with women becoming masculine…NOT good.

I freely confess that I am treading in deep water here. I do not lay claim to any secret knowledge when it comes to understanding women. But as I read the scriptures with this lens in mind a clear image does start to emerge.

If God does indeed intend for women to be beautiful by design as illustrations of His grace what does that look like? Fortunately scripture gives us a glimpse of just such a woman in Proverbs 31. Let me suggest three characteristics of the beautiful woman taken from that description:

She has a confidence based on conviction

The passage describes her as being of noble or virtuous character. Many commentators have this translated as something akin to: a strong, capable woman with strong convictions. There isn’t anything weak or fainting here. It is a picture of strength that comes from something beyond a shallow self confidence based on looks. This is a deep well of conviction.

She has a healing touch

Remember Princess Diana? She was one of the most beloved royals of all time specifically because of how she cared for the poor and less fortunate.  Truly beautiful women can heal with a word. Their touch brings life. True some are more gifted at it than others, mostly through practice, but I believe all women have this gift by design. As illustrations of the grace of God women, all women, carry within their very nature the ability to bring healing. It is almost magic.

Kids get this straight away. When they’re scared they go to dad, he’s dangerous! When they get hurt they go to mom, she’s the healer.

She uses her gift on behalf of others

In C.S. Lewis’  The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe Queen Lucy receives several gifts from father Christmas including the gift of a healing cordial that can heal any wound with but a single drop. Her sister, Queen Susan receives the gift of a magical horn that will summon aid when need is most dire. Lewis was tapping into these same characteristics, this idea that women bring healing and help to others.

On of the advantages of having grown up in the church is that I spent a lot of time around people from multiple generations. I have known, as I am sure many reading this post have known, older women whose lives were spent in ever deepening relationship with God, whose words brought healing to others regularly. These women draw us to them like the smell of cinnamon bread coming out of the oven. The very lives are a healing fragrance. Their physical appearance is superfluous!

By contrast we’ve all come across women who strive to maintain their fading physical beauty. To be fair some succeed and while they may be nice to look at, unless they’ve come to grips with this true sense of spiritual beauty, they’re not as much of a joy to be around.

As I said I’m either treading IN deep water or ON thin ice, depending on your choice of metaphor so…

Ladies, your thoughts, what does it mean to be truly beautiful?

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Men and Women: Part 1 continued

In the film “Taken” Liam Neeson plays a former spy who finds himself in the middle of any parents worst nightmare when his estranged daughter is kidnapped.  When he calls his daughter’s cell phone and connects with the kidnappers he utters this line:

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.”

haHA YESSS!!!! Even just reading that gives me the chills. If you’ve not seen the movie I won’t spoil it for you other than to say Neeson’s character has MAD skills.

In the first installment of Men and Women: part 1 we looked at the assertion that men were created as illustrations of God’s Justice in the same way that women were created as illustrations of God’s grace. As the picture of God’s justice men are created to BE dangerous.

We like the dangerous movie heroes like Maximus, William Wallace, King Leonidas because they kick some serious butt on the bad guys but generally in life we don’t get to be dangerous in that way. In fact if we were we’d be in serious trouble. So how is a guy supposed to be dangerous if he doesn’t get to kill bad guys? Let me suggest three characteristics of a dangerous man.

He has conviction breeds confidence

We LOVE the quite confidence of a father with a “particular set of skills”.  There is a coolness factor about Leonidas who, outnumbered 3 to 1, goes out to personally negotiate with the enemy who may kill him because , as he tells his men, “…there’s no reason we can’t be civil is there?”.   Even Indiana Jones who tends to “make it up as he goes” shows this belief in his abilities that breeds confidence.

If a dangerous man is one who has a confidence that comes from conviction then think again about Paul’s words to the Philippians:

4:1 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Being dangerous starts with a conviction that this is true and that it means ALL things.

His cause is just

Deep down justice resonates with all of us. We all appeal to “fairness” in one way or another. Faced with a life that is FULL of unfairness the dangerous man looks to scripture to understand that there IS justice at work, he works to align himself with it, and to call out injustice when he sees it rather than allowing it to go unchallenged.

His fight is for others

The dangerous man starts with a confidence based on conviction. He seeks justice and to call out injustice and he does all this on behalf of others. The truly dangerous guy, the guy we want to emulate, isn’t out for himself, for personal gain, or for personal glory. The truly dangerous guy sticks up for the underdog, takes on the odds, and fights for others. That’s why were ok when a Wallace, or a Leonidas, or a Maximus dies at the end of the film because the goal, the thing they’re trying to provide for others, is accomplished.

You want to help your sons be dangerous men?

Teach them to study the word until they own the conviction of faith. Teach them to recognize justice and to be willing to call out injustice. Encourage them to stick up for those who are weaker or disadvantaged or burdened.

Be dangerous. It feeds on itself. It’s what you were made for.

What opportunities might you have this week to be truly dangerous?

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Men and Women: part 1

Gladiator, Braveheart, 300: quintessential man movies.

Maximus, Wallace, Leonidas: guys who fought for justice, with honor, to the death.

So why do we like these movies when the good guy dies in the end? Guy movies that make us …cry? Ok, maybe it was just allergies but you get the idea.

Let’s face it men we like these guys because they are SERIOUSLY dangerous individuals and somewhere, perhaps buried so deep we’ve almost forgotten it, we know we were made to be dangerous too. We’d love to be one of the good guys fighting in a just cause against tough odds surrounded by our buddies, kickin’ BUTT!

Now ladies don’t leave just yet. This isn’t a testosterone filled rant. First of all because this is good information that can help you understand your man and second because it will be your turn in part 2. The question you ought to be asking is WHY? Why do men want to be dangerous?

The answer is simple: We were created to be.

Go back and think through the story of creation as it plays out in the book of Genesis. We’re told throughout the Bible that God’s reflection can be seen in His creation. That ALL creation displays his majesty, wonder, and creativity and  at the pinnacle of the creation story God, as the creme de la creme, He creates man and woman “in His own image”.

Allow me to suggest a way of understanding that phrase, “in His image”, that may not have occurred to you. What if by “in His image”, the scripture is referring to men and women as being reflections or representation of the characteristics of the creator rather than some vague reference to physical form? In this thinking through this passage I have really come to believe that was we’re being told here is that man is a representation of God’s Justice while woman is a picture of God’s Grace.

I know that is quite a leap in such a short paragraph but hang with the idea for a second. Take a deep breath, look around a little, consider it from a couple of sides. You’ll laugh when you realize that even the secular world gets it! Men are from where? Mars (god of war) and Women? They’re from Venus ( goddess of beauty and love).

Put Justice and Grace side by side and you get an interesting tension that we as humans understand intellectually but find ourselves constantly at odds with how it ought to play out. Sometimes we lean more heavily in one direction or the other but the opposite attraction always pulls us back towards center. Funny how THAT is even a picture of marriage!

But hang on, there was another character there in the serenity of the garden. Let’s call him the enemy. If you read his part of the dialogue with Eve you learn his M.O. He takes the truth and twists it. That is a constant theme whenever we encounter this dude in the Bible.

So knowing that, how might we see that play out in terms of how were supposed to function as men?

If we men are truly representations of God’s Justice we’re created to be dangerous, God’s justice is a terrible and mighty thing if you find yourself on the wrong side of it facing His wrath. Knowing that the enemy can’t deny our nature, he can only manage to twist the truth what does he do faced with dangerous men? He tempts and tricks us into being dangerous in the wrong ways, at the wrong times, and in the wrong places.

Look at many of the “problems” that plague men in this light:

  • Physical abuse: danger to their wives or kids
  • Substance abuse: danger to themselves
  • Sexual predation: danger to their victims
  • Sexual addiction: fantasy danger
  • Anger: unfocused danger

Adam’s failure in the Garden was not necessarily that he ate the apple but rather that he failed to be dangerous at precisely the time Eve needed him to step to the plate and be the dangerous guy he was created to be.

Now, I don’t want to give away the ending just yet. Fortunately this theme is creeping into a lot of the literature on what it means to be a man in a society that constantly tells men to be less dangerous in some good ways. But I will ask this:

If men are CREATED to be dangerous what are the right times, ways, and places to do what we were created to do?

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Question #1: Who are you really?

Along side the great philosophical questions such as “why are we here?” and ” does the stool really exist?” the question of personal identity ranks right up there as one of those we stumble across, answer briefly, live some more, answer again, then ask if we can change our answer, shrug, take a third pass, etc. etc.

For some reason I’ve been thinking about perceptions lately. Not the, “am I comfortable in my own skin”, kind of questions but questions more along the lines of, “how accurate is my understanding of how others perceive me, and, in parallel, how I perceive them”.

Case in point. About a week ago I drove my 16 yr old son Ian over to meet some friends to play tennis. (He get’s his license in another month or so then I won’t have to chauffeur to tennis any longer.) As I was driving away I had a picture in my mind of a kid playing tennis, probably a much younger kid than 16 followed by an almost visible flashback.

Suddenly I was 16 leaving the courts with my friend Dave H. after tennis. We played long hours of tennis that summer. Dave was tossing me the keys to his Triumph TR7 and saying “Hey, you wanna learn to drive stick?” It prompted other conversation we had that summer like deciding we’d start being gentlemen and opening doors for girls, a habit that has stuck ever since.

I remembered the oft times serious, life-shaping decisions we made that summer and as I came back to the present I realized my picture of my 16 yr. old son was probably inaccurate in several ways. This isn’t a young kid going to smack the ball over the fence as often as over the net. This is a young man chiseling out the shape of his future in conversations with his good buddies.

Wow.

That made me turn the mirror around. How did I perceive myself in relation to my kids, my wife, my coworkers? How do THEY perceive me? Is there ANY similarity between who they think I am and who I think I am? Try this one on for size:

Pick any adult you interacted with regularly as a kid, could be a parent, a coach, a youth pastor, a teacher…now try to recall your perception of them. If you could wrap up the package of experiences how would you label them? Next put yourself in that same role, as parent, coach, teacher, etc. Do you think the kids you’re around perceive you the same way you perceive that person from your past?

Now think about the fact that as adults we have a LOT more experiential ammo to draw from than kids do. Those mixed perceptions have even more options and potential for confused images, all leading back to the question, Does the way I see myself and the way others see me match up?

As a starting point to sorting all that out ask yourself these three exploratory questions:

What have I  heard others say about me?

I’ve been told on several occasions that I am “manipulative and physically intimidating”. I laugh when I hear that. ( although I think I have secretly come to love it!) I really don’t see myself that way at all. But if others DO why is that?

What would I say about myself if I were describing me as a third party?

The descriptions people generally use are only a couple words in length: “He’s a good dude, always there when you need him”, or “She’s awesome, a really good listener”, or “He’s manipulative and physically intimidating.” How would you phrase your description as if you were talking about another person?

Would others guess correctly?

I you took that phrase you came up with to describe you and went to a friend with that phrase and asked them to guess who you were talking about would they say, “Well, that sounds like you…”? I might be comical to see how many guess they took BEFORE they guessed you.

Experience shapes perception, our thought processes cement it. We all would like move and grow in some ways from where we are to where we’d like to be. We can’t begin the change process well unless we know the point from which we start.

When you look in the mirror do you see you or someone else? How close does your self perception match others perception of you? Would you be willing to try that little experiment above?

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A Word to Parents about Youth Sports

Tonight we watched Nate play his last High School Soccer match. I am 50. When I watched him play his first match I was in my 30’s.  That’s crazy.

Nate is our fist born. Those who are willing to be honest will tell you that their first born is, unfortunately, a guinea-pig. It’s not fair but it’s true. I was a first born so I’ve seen it from both sides now and it still isn’t fair. There are some things I’d do different, some things I’d do more of and some less.

In the hopes of helping out some of you proud guinea-pig owners allow me to pass along some observational advice regarding youth sports as I arrive at this crossroads in my career as a dad/coach/fan.

1. Encourage more than you Instruct

Even if you were an all-American, full ride scholarship, first round draft pick, hall of fame coach you need to encourage more than you instruct. That doesn’t mean you limit your instruction, just top it out when it comes to encouragement.

I caught on to this one about halfway through and wish I would have picked it up sooner. I’ve officiated youth sports and heard some of the most horrible jeers, taunts, and sarcasm that I have EVER heard in the form of ‘instruction’ coming from the parents, coaches and players on the sidelines.  It changed me. Your kid needs encouragement, positive, life-giving encouragement more than they need more instructions.

2.  Always employ the 24 Hour Rule

You’ll be PISSED. It will happen. It will be over playing time, or position, or game situation, or a hundred other things. The 24 hour rule says you don’t get to even comment about it to the coach for 24 hours. It gives everyone a chance to settle down. It makes life MUCH easier on your kid than if they have to watch you explode in the parking lot. Fortunately I think I’ve managed this one fairly well but you’d have to ask my kids.

On a related note if your emotions are running high towards your kid…employ the 24 hour rule. Unless of course your cup runneth over with encouragement.

3.  Help them Learn the Lessons

They’ll play for some great coaches an they’ll play for some complete idiots. Perfect. One day they may work for a great boss or an idiot.Help them navigate rather than retreat.

They’ll face adversity of the worst kind…for someone their age. They’ll be robbed by officials and circumstances. They will lose some they absolutely should have won. Let them, encourage them through it, it is preparation for life even when it completely breaks your heart.

They will win in amazing last minute heroics and in blow outs. Teach them to be gracious in either circumstance no matter how much you want to rub it in the face of the annoying parent from the other team who has been bad mouthing your kid for 90 minutes.

Over the years I’ve watched Nate attack adversity with a vengeance. I’ve watched him lose his cool when it cost his team and I’ve watched him keep his cool when everyone else seemed to be losing theirs…including his dad. I’ve seen him put in game winners and I’ve seen him extend grace to an opponent that was utterly defeated with a third of the game left to play. I’ve driven to literally hundreds if not thousands of practices, games, scrimmages and tournaments. A mere few hours after his last high school game and I already miss it.

Encourage your kid, keep your cool, and help them learn. Your guinea-pig will thank-you for it later.

Which of these three is hardest for you? Why do you think that is true?

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The Five Degrees of Owning Up

I’ve been playing Mr. Mom the past few days. Work, soccer practice, dance rehearsal, cooking, driving, driving, driving. In the midst of keeping it all together one of the kids failed to call at the appointed time to communicate his plans. This resulted in an extra 45 minutes of driving out of the way, multiple unanswered phone calls, and 15 minutes sitting outside the house where he turned out not to be. His response when he finally did call from a strange number?

“Sorry dad I can’t find my phone.”
I didn’t bite his head all the way off…but it was a near thing.
None of us likes to admit we’re wrong. Sadly, the truth is we all are from time to time. The way we handle it when we are wrong has a significant impact on our relationships both professional and personal.
When you start to listen to the way people deal with being wrong you find what I’ll call the five degrees of owning up.
1.     I’m sorry but…
This really isn’t an apology at all but an excuse in disguise. What is actually being communicated is, “I know what I did resulted in negative consequences for YOU but you see there were mitigating circumstances and so you really shouldn’t blame me.”
“Sorry dad but…I can’t find my phone.”
2.     My bad…
Also not really an apology but more of a kind of hip, smack-on-the-arm.  What is actually being communicated is, “Yeah, that wasn’t good but we’re cool and you really wouldn’t make a big deal out of something like that would you?”
3.     I’m sorry.
Shweew, finally an apology. Funny thing is that the Bible doesn’t command us to apologize. It commands us to forgive, confess and ask for forgiveness. Once you start to look closely you’ll see how infrequently people even get this deep. Typically they land on sticking their big “but” in there.
4.     I need to ask your forgiveness for… 
What cracks me up about this one is that there isn’t an asking for forgiveness! What is really being communicated is a NEED to ask for forgiveness. The key here is control. In each of these first four examples the person who is in the wrong hasn’t wanted to admit it and that desire to NOT admit it is so strong they hold tightly to control of the situation.
5.     Will you please forgive me for…
It isn’t until this point that the person who is in the wrong actually surrenders control. While this may seem trivial it is actually connected to some very deep psychology. Even more than not wanting to admit we’re wrong we REALLY don’t want to release control.
When our kids were little they learned early to apologize and could do it readily if not begrudgingly. But when the situation called for it and we instructed them to ask for forgiveness the tears would begin to flow! Even as young as 5 or 6 they instinctively understood the difference between keeping and releasing control.
When we’ve wronged someone we need to not only admit it but relinquish control by asking forgiveness. The Bible is pretty clear when it paints the picture of confession and forgiveness restoring relationship. This is true not only between man and God but between men and women as well. Just think about the application of this thought process in the context of marriage!
When was the last time you were wrong and willing to admit to it? I used to frequently catch myself at #4, where do you typically land?
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Four Characteristics of a Good Protest

We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to try to get a handle on the madness occurring in and around Wall Street. I confess I am almost totally at a loss on this one. From what little I can tell by scanning various news sites and the protestors own site:

  • There are somewhere between 500 (conservative estimate) and 1200 (generous estimate) people involved. Fewer than attended my son’s high school homecoming game a couple weeks ago.
  • The number tends to be larger during the day. Apparently many of the protestors go home at night to get a good night’s sleep and catch up on some corporate sponsored sit-com.
  • They have no specific demands other than a seeming distaste for banks, large corporations, and anyone they deem to be in possession of too much money. “Too much” being defined loosely as “more than I have.”
  • They seem to want to align themselves tactically with what has gone on in the Arab world recently. You know, where they’ve been overthrowing oppressive militant regimes that have been in entrenched power for years?
  • The media love it…but seem to be growing a bit weary since they can’t find a good contiguous angle.

So in the interest of helping these angst filled souls disentangle themselves from their socialistic ennui allow me to suggest four characteristics that are the mark of a really good protest:

You ought to have a recognized villain

The French got this right when they did their revolutionary gig. Yes, yes they hated ALL the bourgeois but they REALLY hated Marie and Louie. A really good protest need a villainous face to point at and spit on and shake fists at. This idea of vaguely villainizing the corporations that built much of America and gave the protestors parents jobs, and contributed to their schools is ineffectual. Pictures of ‘corporations’ don’t work well on posters.

The villain really ought to have done something decidedly bad

You’d be hard pressed to call any of the recently displaced leaders in the Arab and north African world “good guys” and once they start firing on their own people it’s all over. While I agree that we have seen continuously mounting evidence of rampant corporate greed in the news lately the jury is still out on how they choose what is fit to show. After all Pine Creek’s homecoming had more people out than this protest and it got NO air time.  At the end of the day corporations provide jobs. You’d have to give a LOT of money to illegal immigrants and homeless people to put them in a positions to create jobs.

You really ought to have specific demands

When my kids were little we taught them that ranting, pouting, and grousing were not effective methods for getting what they want. As a result all three of them have turned out to be first class negotiators. (My bad on that one.) A ‘protest’ without specific demands or calls for specific action comes across rather like a flash-mobbed tantrum. Cool idea, but you really need more commitment to make it fly. Plus, with no call to specific action how do you know when the protest is over? How do you keep score?

You really ought to have a plan for change

A workable plan. At least the rudiments of a plan. “Redistribution of wealth” isn’t a plan unless you’re Robin Hood and working on a small village scale.

I can completely identify with the sens of disenfranchisement expressed by these protestors. I empathize even more with the fact that it is difficult to sort out who to vent their spleens towards when it all just feel oppressive, unfair, and constant. I applaud them for trying to keep their carnival non-violent.

But I’m afraid that shy of defining these four characteristics for their current shindig it’ll be tough to have any consistent, meaningful dialogue and without consistent meaningful dialogue I’m afraid we’ll all continue to flounder a bit.

Care for a slice of consistent meaningful dialogue? I’d love to hear your thoughts on these protests and their issues.

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Tips for Parenting Boys – Video Games: more than meets the eye

Back in February Libby and I attended the Love and Respect Conference, a marriage conference led by Dr. Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs based on his best selling book by the same name. The conference was actually quite a bit better than I had anticipated, even given the fact that I was the one who registered so that we could attend. We had a great time at the conference and found out we’re doing even better than we thought! That alone was well worth the price of admission.

The gist of the material is essentially that: Women want Love and Men want Respect.

Now, I don’t want to give too much away, the book is well worth the read and the conference is actually one that I would recommend for couples in any state of marital bliss or dysfunction. What struck me though was something that I want to share with anyone who has the privilege of parenting boys.

Among the characteristics the Eggerichs list when recounting a man’s desire for respect the include five desires:

  • A desire to work and achieve
  • A desire to protect and provide
  • A desire to be strong and lead
  • A desire to analyze and council
  • A desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship

When I read these, and I should add agreed with them, a surprising revelation leapt off the page at me. What struck me immediately was that for a guy all five of these desires might be realized in an interesting way…by playing video games. With the advent of the ability to play video games collaboratively online a relational element was added that makes it much more realistic that young guys can and will find significant “respect” by gaming.

Moms have you ever yelled at your kid for gaming when they were supposed to be doing homework? Ever stormed into the room and turned off a game mid-battle? Ever been surprised at the vehemence of the ensuing anger outburst? Your son can’t articulate it but you’re attacking them at the core of their manhood.

Dads have you ever called your son down to dinner and jumped all over the “I need to finish this level first”? Ever grounded them from gaming? Ever been caught off guard by them sneaking in to play anyway and been surprised by the heat of the argument? Your son can’t articulate it but you’re cutting at the heart of their masculinity.

So what does this mean for parents?

Given this weird additional context to the reality of parenting boys I want to suggest four guidelines for helping your sons navigate the transition from childhood to manhood:

Appreciate that gaming is more than a diversion, distraction, or waste of time.

It IS all those things at times. But realize that scoring a goal while playing on world class, or beating back the flood on legendary, or accomplishing the one remaining achievement that has taken months to beat reinforces their masculinity and meets those inner desires that drive them as developing men. Understand that and you can begin to see gaming as a tool that YOU can use rather than as the enemy.

Expect them to get angry if you take it away and understand their anger is not directed at you.

On the one hand they ARE angry with you but it goes beyond taking away their toy. They can’t express it because they don’t understand it but particularly if it is mom who is cutting off the gaming system you’re also psychologically cutting off something else. And you can guarantee they won’t like THAT. As much as it might frustrate you need to find ways to negotiate cessation of play…we’ve found it helps to give them something like a thirty-minute warning.

Create guidelines that allow them time in their schedule for gaming.

Creating schedules or rules like: 45 minutes after school but no more until homework is done can help set expectations that help avoid confrontation. Allowing them to game all they want on their free time or at a minimum respecting their desire to game also helps. I’m not suggesting you allow them to become couch potatoes just make room in the schedule for them to beat the baddies.

Engage them in conversation about the games they play most often.

Once you realize this is more than just a time wasting pass time you can begin to fund ways to engage your sons in conversation about the games they play. Expect the conversation to be a little odd at first, you’ll have to catch up on jargon and understand the specific game’s rules. But you’ll find they enjoy talking about their conquests.

Why not go one step further. Why not join them?

Moms, ever consider gaming with your guys?

How do you think your sons would respond if you told them you want to play video games with them?