Along side the great philosophical questions such as “why are we here?” and ” does the stool really exist?” the question of personal identity ranks right up there as one of those we stumble across, answer briefly, live some more, answer again, then ask if we can change our answer, shrug, take a third pass, etc. etc.
For some reason I’ve been thinking about perceptions lately. Not the, “am I comfortable in my own skin”, kind of questions but questions more along the lines of, “how accurate is my understanding of how others perceive me, and, in parallel, how I perceive them”.
Case in point. About a week ago I drove my 16 yr old son Ian over to meet some friends to play tennis. (He get’s his license in another month or so then I won’t have to chauffeur to tennis any longer.) As I was driving away I had a picture in my mind of a kid playing tennis, probably a much younger kid than 16 followed by an almost visible flashback.
Suddenly I was 16 leaving the courts with my friend Dave H. after tennis. We played long hours of tennis that summer. Dave was tossing me the keys to his Triumph TR7 and saying “Hey, you wanna learn to drive stick?” It prompted other conversation we had that summer like deciding we’d start being gentlemen and opening doors for girls, a habit that has stuck ever since.
I remembered the oft times serious, life-shaping decisions we made that summer and as I came back to the present I realized my picture of my 16 yr. old son was probably inaccurate in several ways. This isn’t a young kid going to smack the ball over the fence as often as over the net. This is a young man chiseling out the shape of his future in conversations with his good buddies.
Wow.
That made me turn the mirror around. How did I perceive myself in relation to my kids, my wife, my coworkers? How do THEY perceive me? Is there ANY similarity between who they think I am and who I think I am? Try this one on for size:
Pick any adult you interacted with regularly as a kid, could be a parent, a coach, a youth pastor, a teacher…now try to recall your perception of them. If you could wrap up the package of experiences how would you label them? Next put yourself in that same role, as parent, coach, teacher, etc. Do you think the kids you’re around perceive you the same way you perceive that person from your past?
Now think about the fact that as adults we have a LOT more experiential ammo to draw from than kids do. Those mixed perceptions have even more options and potential for confused images, all leading back to the question, Does the way I see myself and the way others see me match up?
As a starting point to sorting all that out ask yourself these three exploratory questions:
What have I heard others say about me?
I’ve been told on several occasions that I am “manipulative and physically intimidating”. I laugh when I hear that. ( although I think I have secretly come to love it!) I really don’t see myself that way at all. But if others DO why is that?
What would I say about myself if I were describing me as a third party?
The descriptions people generally use are only a couple words in length: “He’s a good dude, always there when you need him”, or “She’s awesome, a really good listener”, or “He’s manipulative and physically intimidating.” How would you phrase your description as if you were talking about another person?
Would others guess correctly?
I you took that phrase you came up with to describe you and went to a friend with that phrase and asked them to guess who you were talking about would they say, “Well, that sounds like you…”? I might be comical to see how many guess they took BEFORE they guessed you.
Experience shapes perception, our thought processes cement it. We all would like move and grow in some ways from where we are to where we’d like to be. We can’t begin the change process well unless we know the point from which we start.
When you look in the mirror do you see you or someone else? How close does your self perception match others perception of you? Would you be willing to try that little experiment above?