We’ve been looking at four levels of agreement that relationships move through as they evolve and grow. In a marketing sense it is possible to be somewhat prescriptive  about moving relationship, ie customers, through the levels but in personal relationships the process is slightly more organic.  The levels as we’ve defined them are as follows:

• Level  1 – Cognitive Resonance
• Level  2 – Completed Response
• Level  3 – Contractual Responsibility
• Level  4 – Committed Rapport

We looked at the notion that level one, Cognitive Resonance, is that mental click that happens when something catches your attention and your interest. Level 2, Completed Response, occurs when you move from a mental agreement to some form of physical action. Level 3, Contractual Responsibility, is where it all starts to get REALLY interesting. (Spoiler alert: Women understand this level intuitively, men may or may not…)

Let’s start with a simple marketing example: You see a commercial for a burger restaurant that claims to have the healthiest, most unique burger anywhere. It has won taste test after taste test AND it helps you lose weight. In fact if you don’t like it they’ll give you your money back. If you eat their burgers three times a week and change nothing else about your diet you’ll lose weight!! You happen to LOVE burgers AND you’re trying to lose weight. The commercial catches your attention – Level 1 agreement. The following day on your lunch break you go check it out – Level 2 agreement.  You purchase a burger – Level 3 agreement.

“Hold on a minute”, some of you are saying, “I signed no contract here.” You’re right. You signed nothing. But you’ve entered into a two part contract. The first part is taste. The second party is weight loss. Those claims that caught your attention at Level 1 are about to be put to the test. There is a promise: great taste, less filling, and a consequence of failing the promise: money back. A set of expectations. A promise to deliver with stated consequences. A simple contract.

That’s an easy enough day to day example even if the great tasting weight loss burger does not yet exist. But what about personal relationships? Glad you asked…

A guy walks into a bar (cheesy I know but better than ‘once upon a time’) and notices an attractive woman he has noticed there a time or two. (Level 1) He’s learned what he can about her through distant observation, asked a few friends what they can tell him about her,(Level 2 – taking action. Although this is weak action until he talks to her directly.) and now has reached the decision to go up and ask her out. (We’re skipping the small talk for the sake of brevity) He asks her out. (Level 3) There is definitely a set of expectations, mostly unspoken, each of them believing something good will come from the date, a set of promises, time, date etc. and understood consequences, thus a simple contract.

Interestingly “the date” is a time bound contract. It ends when the date ends. But it does establish a new set of expectations based on an assessment of how good a time was had by each party. It may be that the contract is extended at the end of the date…setting up another one. It may be that the contract is left hanging…”I’ll call you.” But even THAT statement if a form of contract!

So now lets fast forward a few weeks or months. Here’s where we learn that women get this and guys don’t…or pretend they don’t….because after that span of time the girl wants to have, duh, duh-dun, duuunnnnn…the talk.

Women are inherently relational! They get this! They don’t want a series of short term intermittent contracts, they want definition. Questions like, “Where is this going?”, “Where are we in our relationship?”, “How are you feeling about us?” are really attempts to establish the terms of the contract! I know, I KNOW it sounds like I am cheapening it somehow but I’m not. They really do want to know the correct set of expectations and promises. Guys, many times, don’t want a set of expectations floating over their head so they’d rather have a “gentleman’s agreement” than a contract!

Believe me, entire book could be written on that paragraph alone. But lets shift gears slightly.

Think about the relationships in your life. The ones that matter. I’d be willing to bet that the most stable ones are the ones with clear contracts. Not on paper necessarily but there nonetheless. We ‘hear’ contracts breaking all the time don’t we? “I thought she was my friend but…”, “Him and me used to hang out all the time, I don’t know what happened…”, “They said they were coming…” Most of these contracts “break” because the expectations are rarely stated, they’re assumed. But remember that dating relationship? The young lady did not WANT to assume, she wanted to know.

Clearly stated expectations, understood promises and consequences, these are the basic elements of a Level 3 agreement that carries with it Contractual Responsibility.

So, in looking at your relationships…

Where have you clarified expectations and where have you assumed them?

Where have you made promises and where have you assumed them?

Where might a “clearer contract” have saved a relationship for you?