I’ve been playing Mr. Mom the past few days. Work, soccer practice, dance rehearsal, cooking, driving, driving, driving. In the midst of keeping it all together one of the kids failed to call at the appointed time to communicate his plans. This resulted in an extra 45 minutes of driving out of the way, multiple unanswered phone calls, and 15 minutes sitting outside the house where he turned out not to be. His response when he finally did call from a strange number?
“Sorry dad I can’t find my phone.”
I didn’t bite his head all the way off…but it was a near thing.
None of us likes to admit we’re wrong. Sadly, the truth is we all are from time to time. The way we handle it when we are wrong has a significant impact on our relationships both professional and personal.
When you start to listen to the way people deal with being wrong you find what I’ll call the five degrees of owning up.
1. I’m sorry but…
This really isn’t an apology at all but an excuse in disguise. What is actually being communicated is, “I know what I did resulted in negative consequences for YOU but you see there were mitigating circumstances and so you really shouldn’t blame me.”
“Sorry dad but…I can’t find my phone.”
2. My bad…
Also not really an apology but more of a kind of hip, smack-on-the-arm. What is actually being communicated is, “Yeah, that wasn’t good but we’re cool and you really wouldn’t make a big deal out of something like that would you?”
3. I’m sorry.
Shweew, finally an apology. Funny thing is that the Bible doesn’t command us to apologize. It commands us to forgive, confess and ask for forgiveness. Once you start to look closely you’ll see how infrequently people even get this deep. Typically they land on sticking their big “but” in there.
4. I need to ask your forgiveness for…
What cracks me up about this one is that there isn’t an asking for forgiveness! What is really being communicated is a NEED to ask for forgiveness. The key here is control. In each of these first four examples the person who is in the wrong hasn’t wanted to admit it and that desire to NOT admit it is so strong they hold tightly to control of the situation.
5. Will you please forgive me for…
It isn’t until this point that the person who is in the wrong actually surrenders control. While this may seem trivial it is actually connected to some very deep psychology. Even more than not wanting to admit we’re wrong we REALLY don’t want to release control.
When our kids were little they learned early to apologize and could do it readily if not begrudgingly. But when the situation called for it and we instructed them to ask for forgiveness the tears would begin to flow! Even as young as 5 or 6 they instinctively understood the difference between keeping and releasing control.
When we’ve wronged someone we need to not only admit it but relinquish control by asking forgiveness. The Bible is pretty clear when it paints the picture of confession and forgiveness restoring relationship. This is true not only between man and God but between men and women as well. Just think about the application of this thought process in the context of marriage!
When was the last time you were wrong and willing to admit to it? I used to frequently catch myself at #4, where do you typically land?
excellent!!!
I find mine to be more of a person whom has gone towards “I’m sorry but,” simply because I need to explain everything, I’ve always felt it’s more of an acknowledging of a screw-up, noting what I did wrong, and what can be done to remedy it and prevent it in the future.
I grew up with my sincere apologies never being believed, because I was always screwing up, and as a result, having to apologize to my mom constantly(“you didn’t do xyz RIGHT, you’re half-assing!” is pretty much all I ever heard, despite being a kid and always trying my best, nearing graduating high-school, I quit seeking her approval and started adopting a rather crude “eff-her” view because if my efforts weren’t appreciated, why bother trying?), and gave up on apologizing to her because I know I’ll never be good enough. Now I’m trying to focus on being good enough for the people that I know I can at least make happy, which, among them, means more eloquently worded apologies when I screw up(because I never apologize unless I mean it, because it’s a policy of mine not to lie[I don’t add wood to the fire tho,lol. Whenever my grandparents start talking religion, I don’t respond by blatantly disregarding their beliefs by noting my Atheism, but I don’t say anything about believing in god, or the bible either- terrifying being a closeted atheist to family).
Hell, even when I screw up with my boyfriend, like changing the language in his expensive phone as a joke, and then him being unable to change it back, thus, irritating him, but even when apologizing for upsetting him, noting I was only trying to play an innocent prank, and offering to fix the situation on the spot, it doesn’t even begin to remedy the situation.(which I suppose I deserved, but if it wasn’t for a near car accident because of a glitchy intersection light, I would have had to work a lot harder at fixing our relationship.)
Ughhh why am I posting this for everyone to see(I guess cuz I know I screw up, and admitting that supposedly takes a lot of courage), you really need a contact email, lol. I sent you a follow request on twitter tho. 😛